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Taco, Slave of the Webmasters

By MaximumTacolord - 11-28-06

I bet youíre all wondering why Iím still bothering to work for Michael while Iím beginning the re-launch my site. Itís one of the many questions I ask myself while I struggle with the concept of getting out of bed. But currently, my website isnít ďonlineĒ even though I uploaded it because the site hasn't "propagated" yet. Let me explain to you what that means.

You see, the internet is a series of tubes. Think of it like Super Mario, in order to get from one place to another, your data has to go through these tubes to get to other places. But it isnít like one tube connects to every freakiní world in the game. These tubes canít even hold a single overweight plumber without bulging. So how do you think youíre going to get to level 4-3 just because you go into a tube at level 1-1? No, your data needs to be transported between tubes before it can get there.

However, a lot of these tubes are clogged. Plants love to take root in the tubes and pop out to shoot fireballs at plumbers trying to get data to the next world. These plumbers have to wait for the plant to come out to kill it, which can take awhile. To make matters worse, turtles are all over the place getting in the plumberís way. These turtles are people on 56k modems and if the plumbers donít deal with them quickly, the turtles will create traffic jams. The plumbers can move them along by stomping on their shells and kicking them away. However, this system often knocks other 56kers off the internet and ďdisconnectsĒ them.

The more difficult turtles are the ones that manage to fly. These guys are so lost on the internet that they donít even go into the tubes anymore. So the plumbers have to actually rip off their wings to get the turtles going again. Meanwhile, all that data the plumbers are carrying is just sitting in their hands because they have to deal with all those 56kers. To solve for this, many plumbers get super big with mushrooms to carry more data.

Every now and then, plumbers get to warp zones; these are basically routers that get the plumber going where he wants to go faster. Otherwise the plumber could end up using more tube than needed. If the world had more routers, things probably wouldnít be so bad. But since routers are so rare, we have to hide them so all the turtles donít slowly dash into the warp zone and get in the way of the plumbers. Because this zone is so out of the way to keep turtles from getting to it, our data is delayed.

The worst obstacle to the plumber is spam. Spam is a giant lizard that shots fireballs at plumbers. These fireballs then try to get plumbers and turtles to buy stuff. To get rid of the spam, the plumbers have to burn the giant lizards to death. This usually takes so long that a lot of the fireballs make it into tubes or onto our computer. This alone causes most of the delay in data processing and this is why tacolord.com isnít up yet. The plumber currently holding my taco, filled with grammar errors and nude pictures of Michael, is battling a giant fire breathing lizard while kicking turtles out of his way in order to get to the warp zone. Upon reaching this zone, the data will flushed into all of the pipes so you can access it. Of course, the plumber is going to have to do this several more times so every world is able to get to it.

This is why tacolord.com isnít up yet and why Iím still writing for Rail! Entertainment. That and Iím being blackmailed. Long story short, never give someone your porno name.

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