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Profile: A Spill Absorber Rabbit!

By Michael - 10-16-01

This is the way a lot of my articles work out - I see something I think is funny, then I must show everybody - "Look! I think this is funny! Hey. Where are you going?" 

I have, in my scanner, the instructions for a grease spill absorbing powder. I "found" this ridiculous little gem in a grocery store, and I giggle every time I glance at it. You must realize, however, that I am also easily entertained by the stick figures on "Wet Floor" and "Caution" signs. 

Let me get to the point. First of all, mascots for cleaning products are normally more than happy to actually use said product. Take for example: Mr. Clean. He's proud to be mopping and shining floors with such a fine cleaner. That lady in the Bounty commercials is more than happy to clean up some clumsy oaf's spilled coffee, or chili - just to demonstrate the superiority of her paper towels. We get the impression that people can be happy using a convenient product. Not this guy:

The Spill Magic Rabbit!

"I hate my job. Why can't I just die?"

I commend the artist on being able to add such realistic emotion to a cartoon character. The first thing you notice is the frown - he is not very happy about this spill, or this product. Using the pictures provided, I will attempt to give a quick profile on the life of our friend, the Spill Magic Rabbit.

This is one miserable bunny rabbit, who may have once had dreams, and ambitions, who then takes a look at his life and realizes he's accomplished nothing. Life is a pointless lie. He spends his days in captivity cleaning up grease spills while other people live happily, oblivious to his pain. As a captive/slave, he earns less than minimum wage. He hates cleaning up spills (Also, if you look at the above picture and blur your eyes a little bit, he appears to be unhappily urinating on the floor).

 "I cannot control my bladder. Now I must clean up my own filth."

I believe he is supposed to be the rabbit that comes out of a magician's hat (I can tell by the fancy jacket - also, I am psychic). The magician forces him to CLEAN UP HIS GREASE SPILLS and HAZARDOUS WASTE, or it's BACK IN THE TOP HAT YOU FILTHY RODENT. The magician beats him with mop handles and push brooms. Animal cruelty upon cartoon rabbits is mostly ignored by the authorities. Someday soon, however, the rabbit will get his revenge.


The magician temporarily leaves the room to torture other animals (Monkeys, parrots, etc.) While he's gone, the rabbit raids the magician's liquor cabinet, thinking a few shots might dull the pain. If you blur your eyes again, you can see the rabbit urinating, this time with a drunken, defiant look on his face. This look says, "Yeah, I'm peeing on your floor, Misher Big Shot Magician, and I don't give a ratsh ash. What are you gonna do about it? Put me back in the hat? I'd rather be in the hat than looking at your ugly face.." The rabbit vomits on the floor, then staggers toward the magician in a threatening manner...

...And the magician kicks him in the butt.

Why do I always have to clean up the hazardous waste?

The magician finally forces the rabbit into submission by stomping its rear. Can't you see the star by the rabbit's behind (Star = Pain)? The rabbit cowers in subservience. The kick didn't hurt very much - but his pride is damaged severely.

"Clean up this hazardous waste, or I will eat you!", the magician says. The rabbit does what he is told, biding his time for a future rebellion. "There will come a time when I will be free", thinks the rabbit. "Mark my words. I will be free - and you will suffer greatly for your evil deeds".

What of the rabbit's future? Will he be a servant to the magician for the rest of his life? Will he escape? It's all up to you! Fill out the poll below to determine his fate!




The choices were:

1. Run away and get a job in Vegas.
2. Find a nice rich girl.
3. Commit suicide.
4. Attack the magician, and stuff him into the "Hazardous Waste" bin.
5. Continue his meaningless existence as a servant.

Here are the results of the poll: 

The poll only had ONE FREAKING VOTE, and it was me! God, webmastering sucks. Anyway, according to the ONE VOTE, the rabbit finds a nice rich girl. I assume she's kinda hot, and they live happily ever after. The End. Oh, and the magician dies.





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