The university of Wisconsin-Milwaukee recently announced a new anti-smoking policy, forbidding smoking within thirty feet of all entrances to a building. Their motto being: if a ninja could get in through it, so could smoke.

This is only a smaller step in a grander scheme to eliminate smoking on campus all together within a year. Citing health issues as the number one concern for this new program. It is hoped that within twenty years all vehicles, fatty foods, sharp objects, and ninja will be banned from the campus as well. Thus ensuring a healthier and happier student body.

The administration is also considering a 40 year plan to force all students to wear helmets and wear yellow rain slickers, but it has yet to be confirmed or denied.

When asked about the new program, a student smoker said between drags, “Oh, so that is what those spray painted things are. Huh.”

”Well, I’ll probably be dead before this program is really enforced, so I don’t really care.” Said Professor Mondie, known for smoking in his office within a no smoking building. “Though I do miss the days when every student in the lecture would smoke. It really took edge off those idiots and kept them from falling asleep or feeling each other up.”

“Currently, we don’t really do much if we see a smoker. But eventually we’ll have police officers write tickets or something,” reported campus security. “We feel it better if it kind of surprises the smokers. Like taking a dump and realizing you’re out of toilet paper. Or going to a kegger and waking up pregnant with AIDS. That’s when the issue really hits you and those around you in the face.”

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