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My New Year's Resolutions

By Michael - 01-04-09

It is once again time to create a to-do list of New Year’s Resolutions, which I am guaranteed to put off until the next year. I think part of the reason for the procrastination is that a lot of my projects are ambitious or physically impossible – you’ll see what I mean.

Now is the moment to re-prioritize what is important to me and what I want to do with the time I have left on this unbearable ball of dirt - So here is what I have planned so far, in order of importance. I resolve to:


I was working on a Go-Fish card game in Flash that I’ve had sitting around on my hard drive since last January or so. It started out as an experiment in Object Arrays, but soon became boring and tedious to me. So eff it – It’s gotta go. I’m scratching that from the to-do list for this year, even though it would probably only take about two more weeks of work to finish. (It’s mostly playable.) I’m honestly just not that interested in children’s card games, and this one holds no significance to me.


I have neglected my appearance for quite some time by wearing clothes that I “borrow” from sleeping drifters and carnival workers. The holes in many of these shirts would sometimes make my navel, nipples, and some moles freely visible to anybody who would have the courage to look. I did indeed wash these outfits, but the stench of vomit never seemed to come out, and my own unique masculine bouquet was often added to the already pungent mix.  In the spirit of the New Year, I have angrily destroyed these garments by setting them ablaze with gasoline, bibles, and Game Informer magazines. The owners of my apartment complex are unhappy that I set the fire indoors.


My objective is to lose 10-15 pounds of fat and gain 10-15 pounds of muscle. (That’s lbs to those of you who abbreviate often.)

I purchased an exercise bike a month or so ago, and I use it every day. I have already lost 5 pounds of fat (mostly muscle), and I’m seeing some results. My stomach is becoming flatter, and my chin is becoming less wobbly. My goal for this year is to work my chin down to a sharpened, chiseled point; where I can use it as a stabbing weapon.

I plan to start working out with weights again – but I don’t really like the idea of going to a busy gym with a lot of people – I’m pretty self-conscious about my grunting, sweating, screaming, and swearing as I bench the presses and do those weight-things, whatever they are called.


I’m also concerned that I may instigate shoulder bursitis gained from years of food service, street fighting, guitar playing and disco dancing.  (That repetitive pointing at the disco ball is hell on your rotator cuff.) I’ve never been to a doctor for a checkup in my entire life, so I am quite fearful that a medical professional will have to fumble at my privates once or twice before I begin any serious workout plan.


Animation projects and games are pretty time-consuming, and it’s always near-impossible for me to estimate how long they will take to create, and when they will be done. Articles, on the other hand, can be written in a couple of days. In order to keep the site moving, I should probably write more filler pieces much like this one. I know you kids came to the site looking for Bob the Ball Episode 3 or a new music video, but instead, here’s a review about some obscure video game or movie that you don’t really care about. Enjoy!


This one’s important. If I don’t do anything else this year, this will have to get done. Even though Bob Episode Two was done almost five years ago, people are still checking it out on Newgrounds and YouTube. They’re asking for a third. I will definitely get to work on this.

I’ve had a script for a serialized 30-40 minute Bob the Ball adventure sitting on my hard drive since 2005, which would probably take me over a year to finish even if I worked on it every day non-stop. At my current energy level, that’s a little too ambitious, so I plan to write an all-new standalone episode which will probably only run around 5 minutes long. I can accomplish this as long as I can find a recording studio and a decent drummer in the area.

There will be a learning curve since I will be working in HD 1920x1080 for the first time, but I’ll still need to be able to convert to other formats. I’ll require a hi-res version for Blu-ray/DVD, a low-res Flash version for Newgrounds, and a low-res FLV version for YouTube. I’ll have to locate a decent file converter for this to happen.


The current design is over 4 years old now, and I’ve learned a lot since then. Sometime after the next Bob cartoon, I will redesign this site using CSS instead of tables. In addition, I will include a Bob the Ball sub-site. ( currently just points to the Animation hub page.) I’m thinking the new layout may have to include some black. I will incorporate plenty of flashing banner ads and popups, because Daddy gots to get paid.


I’ve intended to record an industrial/metal/punk album since 1994 or so, but my perfectionist nature has kept me from doing so. I know in advance that I’ll never be fully satisfied with anything I record, so it’s pretty easy to give up or procrastinate.

I’ve got half my lifetime’s worth of songs bouncing around randomly in my head. My objective is to simply record 5 or 6 of them. I’m fully capable of doing this - all I need is a compatible drummer, free time, and a place to practice. As for recording, the guitars normally turn out fine but I’ll have to pay extra attention to the lyrics and vocals since those are usually the parts I’m displeased with. (This means I aim to hide my horrible voice behind gobs of chorus and distortion.)


I have an old series of QBasic games that I never completed. I intend to redesign/recode them in Flash for the website.

The first game in the series was a text adventure, where the program would give you a textual description of your environment, and you would type your commands into an input box. Modern audiences wouldn’t have the patience for this sort of gameplay, so I decided to take the core of the game and create a point-and-click graphical adventure instead. This should take some time to create, since the original version was just text, and this one will require me to create graphics and animation for each location the character visits. This game is still in the early design phase.

The second game (a sequel to the above) is meant to be a parody of a Nintendo or Super Nintendo RPG, complete with blocky low-res graphics. I already have a tiling engine and map editor partially created for this one, and I believe it will be less complicated to code than its predecessor.


For example: Instead of “Yes, I agree,” I will use “Indubitably.”

(In reality, I will increase my vocabulary by only one word, which happens to be “Indubitably.”)


When introduced to people, I will greet them with a smiling handshake, and not with a growl, hiss or vicious bite to the throat. I will try not to skitter along the floor and walls like a centipede. I will no longer do jumping jacks and pushups at IHOP, since IHOP is not the place for those types of things.


I should have a few forms of suicide available to me in preparation for the upcoming apocalypse. I plan to be ready when the Antichrist and his undead hordes begin the gory, violent skirmish for my immortal soul. So far, I believe the traditional slashing of the wrists or hanging would prolong my death, and would give the cloven-hooved Goat Lord an extended opportunity to claim me. So right now, I’m researching and weighing the advantages of a cyanide caplet over the tried-and-true gunshot to the head. I will keep you updated as I learn more.


Jokes about unbearable balls of dirt, suicide and the end of the world may be absolutely hilarious to myself, but might be disturbing to readers of this site. I will endeavor to mention unsettling things less. All in good fun, people. Happy New Year!






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