Entertainment > Docs >
Three Of My
Favorite Old-School PC Games - With Downloads!
9:22 PM - Right now, as I type these words, this
entire site is being re-uploaded to the server from my hard drive.
I did something really stupid. You see, there's this thing
I get with this site called an Email Control Panel, where I can
make up email addresses (email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org,
etc.), and have them forwarded or whatever. In bold red letters,
this Control Panel page tells me:
Do not delete or change the password on your Master account!
...So guess what I did.
To make a long story short, I locked myself out of my Email
Control Panel. I had to have my site reset to get it to work
again. I am unworthy of the title "Web Master" (Almighty
Master of the Web). Anyway, I'll try to complete this review while
WS_FTP finishes uploading.
Note: I was originally going to write about
five different games. I cut it down to three because I am stupid
and lazy and I need to shave.
(1989) by Wizard
Games - I've been playing video games for almost as long
as I can remember. I played the original NES as a teenager. Before
that, there was the Atari 2600, and before that; PONG -
But this is the first PC game I can
recall playing. Rockstar holds a LOT of sentimental value for me. I
played it with two of my friends on my best friend's dad's
computer. The thing was, we'd all get into the game. We'd take
turns sitting at the keyboard, and we took turns naming songs.
Most game decisions were voted on. We'd cheer when our single
would go to number one on the charts. We'd scream profanity and
break expensive objects when our character died of a drug
Rockstar is a sim-type game of sorts. You play a
rock musician trying to make it big. You have a "Star
Meter" that tracks your progress. There are options to
practice and write songs, gig, record singles or albums, or just
sit around and be lazy. Characters in the game offer you chances
to go to promotional gigs, parties, orgies, or support tours for
other bands. Your responses can affect your happiness, popularity,
You can record singles, albums, and videos. Then
you can watch the charts to see how they do against other
fictitious bands. "Damnit! Frank Baboon's single is number
one again! We need more heroin!"
Let's talk about graphics - There are no
graphics. This is a text-based game. No pretty pictures. No
polygons. No lens flares. Just RED AND YELLOW and GREEN text on
your monitor. Sometimes the screen will flash or do something
crazy if you took some good drugs (I'm not joking), but that's all
you'll see as far as special effects.
Rockstar has been very influential to me. Most of my early song
titles were made up playing Rockstar. Also, my second (unfinished)
game, Boredom, originally used a Rockstar-style interface. It even
had a grandma that beat you up!!
I had a very hard time finding this game. I
bought my first PC in 1995, and I got internet service about a
year or two later. Wanting to relive my youth, I went searching
ALL OVER THE WEB for Rockstar. I couldn't find it through
AltaVista, Yahoo, Exite, or any other search engine. Most search
results came up with fan pages of asian pop stars. It literally
took years for me to find this game. Sure enough, my
persistence paid off, and I got to enjoy the yellow and red glory
that is Rockstar once again. You can check it out yourself by
downloading the shareware version here
(123 KB). I recommend getting yourself in the mindset of a
fourteen year-old before playing it.
(1993) by id
Software - Oh, don't think for a second that I'm gonna
forget Doom, one of the bestest, keenest games ever. These days,
the kids'll joke about its graphics, but for the time, they were incredible.
I might sound stupid, but this game really was scary. I'm
talking about playing with the lights off with no cheat codes with
20% health and a pink demon comes around the corner and tries to
munch on your brain, but you don't wanna die, and you're all like,
"NOOOOOOOO", so you run backwards, firing the last
rounds from your shotgun, whispering, "Ohshitohshitohshit"
- That's good stuff, and makes for fine
In case you're one of the three people in the
world who don't know, Doom is a classic First-Person Shooter
(FPS). You run around and kill monsters and demons and blow shit
up with a variety of weapons. Doom and its predecessor,
Wolfenstein 3D, spawned an entire genre of games in which you kill
Enemies: You are constantly under attack
by evil undead monsters of evilness. You've got your Undead
Humans, Imps, Pink Demons, Lost Souls (Giant floating skulls that
are on fire), Cacodemons (Sorta like a flying mutant Pac-Man with
one eye and horns), and more. The list goes on and on.
IMPORTANT GAMING TIP: Shoot them.
If they don't die right away, shoot them some more.
Doom requires skill and sharp reflexes... Which
I ain't got. Just like in junior high school, the monsters smack
me around like a whiny little bitch. They gang up on me and hold
my book bag, and then they don't let me have it, and I'm like,
"Give it!", and they're all like, "Make
...Ok, what I was getting at is this: even if
you suck at the game, you can pretend to kick a lot of ass
by using these miraculous CHEAT CODES (Type them while playing).
IDDQD = God Mode (Invulnerability)
IDKFA = All weapons and ammo
IDSPISPOPD = Walk through walls
I didn't have cheat codes in junior high. Girls
laughed at me when they made me step on bubble gum and this
asshole pretended he was retarded and picked on me.
I know a few people who have never played Doom.
Some of you FPS gamers out there probably blinked at that.
FPS Gamer: (Beating his victim's shins
repeatedly with a crowbar.) "What? Never played Doom? I can't
Well, if you've never played it, or haven't
played it in a while, here's your chance. You can download the
shareware version here
(DOS 2.33 MB).
CASTLE OF THE WINDS (1989-1993) by Epic
Megagames- Ah, the days of Windows 3.11. Back then, we
didn't have right-clicks - and we liked it that way! Four
MB of RAM was about average. I had a 50 MHZ 486 PACKARD BELL. It's
still sitting under one of my cabinets, cannibalized for parts.
Oh, how I miss "Old Grindy". Um... anyways, I bought
this CD for like ten dollars called "Crappy Ass Shareware
Games For Windows", or "Failed Computer Science
Projects", or something like that. Out of maybe 50 games on
the CD, only three or so were any good. Castle of the Winds was
one of them.
COTW was based on earlier text-based RPG's such
as Rogue and Dungeon Hack. It starts out with a simple story line:
You are a pale 32x32 pixel icon with huge pectoral muscles and no
legs. You must go out and kill lots of other 32x32 icons by
walking into them. Then you take their treasure, which you can
hock to stores back in town for money. Lather, rinse, and repeat.
Spells: As with a lot of RPG's you can
learn spells. Every time you level up, the game gives you a choice
of several spells to learn. You can also buy them at stores in a
variety of forms, such as wands, scrolls, staffs, and spell books.
Enemies: There's a pretty decent variety
of dungeon creatures to eat you, stab you, or just plain kill you.
I'm not going to bother listing them, because that would take too
long, and The Daily Show is coming on. Let me wrap this up...
Bottom line: You think it's gonna suck,
but it ends up being cool. It's an enjoyable, addictive RPG
despite its simple graphics.
I'm tired of writing. Play the damned game
already. If you want to check it out, you can download part one here
(354 KB). Hope you enjoy it.