In the debate that has raged on since yesterday when I asked myself who is cooler, Michael of Rail Entertainment or a Ninja, let’s finally find the answer.

First off, the name. Michael is kind of confusing. There are a lot of Michaels. Jackson, Moore, Myers. When you look at those people you ask yourself, are these the kind of people I’d want around my children? Assuming you weren’t a lonely individual who eats the same instant meal three times a day and can produce children. But considering the ninja life of stealth, shinobi will probably never show themselves, thus providing a bit of ninja neglect if you hired them to be the babysitter. Also, how often does a ninja introduce him or herself? Seriously, their name tags are like, “Hi, my name is ‘you’re going to die soon if you can read this.’”

In terms of talent, ninja are capable of some pretty awesome summoning techniques. Some are able to instantly bring into our world a creature far larger than a bread box. Not only is this creature huge, but also a ninja. Conversely, Michael has frosty on speed dial. But if you look at raw fighting skills. Michael has given his cat a bath and allowed large men to stand on his back. I’m not sure how this improved his fighting abilities. But I know I’ve never had a fat man standing on me. I’m sure both combined are pretty close to the lifetime of intense physical training endured by your average ninja.

Fashionwise, Ninja pretty much wear the same thing everyday. Only it never gets dirty. Weird when you consider how many walrus die by ninja mitts. But Michael has been seen dressed like a pimp. A pimp in purple. He’s also been seen wearing clothing that resembles my grandmother’s, proving that he is able to diversify when most people would simply pass.

From the internet’s testimony alone, people are so incapable of not thinking about ninja that more sites exist than Google can search for. From Real Ultimate Power to Nin, ninja have occupied millions of student’s time when they should have been listening to their teacher but realized he or she was a boring idiot. Michael on the other hand, has created a cartoon about a talking ball. And that was a really long time ago.

As a musician, Michael’s greatest moment is channeling a ninja to play his guitar for him. Transforming Michael into a rock supernova that kills any audience in a statewide area. But, ninja are already ninja.

When it comes to advice, Ninja serve out tons of it at askaninja.com. So much that the number of ninja advice rip-off columns have begun leading people down the troubled road of hooker sniffing. Still, the real ninja keeps dishing out the strawberry flavored stuff even if he has a habit of killing his staff and preventing updates to his site. When we look at Michael’s track record of advice, one time he suggested we all play Doom 3 well after all the magazine reviews said it first.

Who’s cooler? You decide. Because if I did, I’d either be killed or fired.