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Barnes and Noble: Finally, Nerds Can Feel Alienated Even In A Bookstore

By MaximumTacolord - 07-24-06

Let’s face it people, the world hates nerds. They lack the social skills necessary to conform to our standards. And their great inventions either aren’t awesome enough to make our life perfect or scare us with their complexity. Even the Romans hated nerds, burning down the great library of Alexandria to force them out to face their mortal enemy, the sun.

Yes, the library. The dark gathering zone of nerds. Hidden beneath the shadows of bookcases and protected by the power of shushes, the nerds thrived in environments such as these. Over the years, we’ve tried to destroy similar sanctuaries as best as we could. Bathrooms were filled with the tough smokers and swirlies. Arcades were filled with creepy old men stroking their mustaches. LAN centers are now brimming with children as a cheap alternative to childcare. But libraries, they’ve been so hard to destroy without getting rid of books. Necessary for beating students with attitudes or looking brainy around company. Finally we have the answer: corporate trends!

The more money Barnes and Nobles makes, the less money a library needs. If I own five books, why should my tax dollars go to buying everyone else five books? That’s just wasteful. So if my tax dollars don’t go to libraries, they won’t have enough money for books. Since their budget won’t allow for any new purchases, staff and finally the building will have to go as their budget decreases even more the next year. Thus forcing the nerds to seek out new bookshelves for shade. But the bookstores are already prepared.

With Barnes and Nobles attaching to local malls all over the world, teenagers (the mortal enemy of all nerds) can easily migrate into the area and maul any curious nomadic nerds. If that wasn’t enough, trendy coffee shops have been located inside the store (as well as inside the mall). Allowing the hipsters breeding room and caffeine to prepare complex fashions that will only confuse and distract nerds. Leading them towards the world of self-doubt, wasted creativity and then finally death by tanning.

Will nerds make a comeback? The coming years will tell. With only schools and basement’s being the last remaining territories, who knows if those smart types will think of a new offense before dieing off. Even with students packing heat and pesticides leaking into basements, we still ask ourselves, “will it be enough?”

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