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Meals For Lazy Single Guys
Here is a disclaimer for
all of you who are easily offended. Since I am no longer on
a free web hosting service, I can and will use profanity if
I want to.
For example: "My
ex-girlfriend's father is an arrogant fucking jackass."
So, you've been warned.
Like My Women Inbred" is finished. I'm working on Sadistic
Talent. Now that I'm between projects, it's time to write some
more mediocre filler material for the site. Here we go...
It's not that I'm lazy, exactly...
I'm actually a decent cook when I want to be - My guess is that
most of us are. It's just that it's not always worth going through
the hassle of preparing a decent meal when it's just you.
As an experienced single person, I thought I'd help out my
colleagues, and give you all a few tips on what you, as a lazy
single guy, should eat (It's late, I'm an insomniac, and I need a
topic. I am also very hungry).
Quick story about this: When I
was planning this article, the power went out in my apartment (at
night). So I walked around with my digital camera and flashlight
taking pictures of food in the dark - I'm what you might call a
#10: Honeycomb cereal - All
you need is milk, and the box is freaking huge! It lasts me over a
month. I think it's also got vitamins and stuff. Crunch crunch
crunch! If you've ever eaten it right out of the box, it makes
your hands smell funny...
The box is freaking
#9: Sandwich with chips -
When all else fails, break out the stash of cold cuts (Removing
any mold or fungus from around the edges). Put a couple slices on
some bread. If you have any mayonnaise, now would be a good time
to use it. Find something that looks like cheese, and throw that
on there, too. Have some chips. Eat them off a paper towel, 'cause
hell, you don't want to have to clean an entire plate. If
you're out of cold cuts, you'd better have a can of tuna in the
cupboard somewhere. If you don't, you're not a real man.
#8: Chef Boyardee Ravioli -
I buy a can of this stuff every time I go grocery shopping. Filled
with whatever meat Chef Boyardee could find under the couch. Goes
well with toast, salad and cottage cheese. Aw, come on - you don't
like cottage cheese? It's made from spoiled milk.
#7: Dinty Moore Beef Stew -
This is good stuff, and it actually tastes like meat. Have this
with a salad, and some peas (canned, of course), and some bread
and butter. Be sure to wash your face immediately afterwards, or
you will get pimples. If you already have pimples, wash your face
anyway- God knows you need to.
#6: Hot Dogs with Cheese Filling
- These are what I eat when I run out of groceries. They last
forever in the refrigerator, take less than a minute to microwave,
and go well with potato chips, fries, and/or chili. Each one of
these takes approximately a week off your life, so enjoy!
#5: Microwave Pot Pies - I
like these, but I don't always buy them. They're great single guy
food - you've got your meat group, your vegetable group, your...
um... pie group, and they're microwavable. Like I always say,
"If you can't microwave it, it ain't da shiznit, bitch."
#4: Processed Chicken Patties
- You can make a sandwich, or you can pour gravy over 'em, or you
can just eat em with a knife and fork, pretending that they're
some kind of steak! (Note: all single men must have a Fry Daddy.
You must use the Fry Daddy as often as possible. The Fry Daddy is
your best friend.)
#3: Red Baron Frozen Pizza -
I buy one of these a week, because sometimes I have a craving for
grease. Seriously, these are decent.
#2: Hungry Man Dinners - I
actually look forward to eating these - especially the turkey
dinner. I haven't paid much attention to the Nutrition Facts,
though. I'll probably die soon. Some of these have two steps for
microwaving - you have to cook it for so many minutes on high
power, and so many minutes on medium power. This is inconvenient
to me, so I just cook it at high power for say, 20 minutes.
That'll show 'em.
#1: Ramen Noodles
- You can live for a week off two dollars. The traditional standby
of men everywhere, from college dorms to crack houses. This stuff
is about as good for you as drinking saltwater might be - check
out the sodium content! Anyway, if this top ten was actually
voted, instead of made up on the spot, ramen noodles would still
get the #1 spot - guaranteed.
RAMEN IS #1!!
Imagine the above picture with a flashing
border (I could make an animated .gif, but it's late).
Now that I've thoroughly bored myself (and you),
I should be able to get to sleep with no problems. If not, I guess
I'll bash out another bullshit article.