Here's where I pull some random stuff out of my closet and write a review about it. This time, I'll discuss some of my old drawings. Using this logic, I just might review my clothes hamper or a broken set of bongos for my next article.

Digging through some more old folders, I found some drawings I made in high school 10-12 years ago. I thought to myself, "Durr, put it on the site. Hur. Hur." Then I thought to myself, "I'm hungry", and immediately after that came the thought, "Kill them! Kill them all!"

Let us wander aimlessly through the hallway of pointless nostalgia, on to the unimpressive gallery of horrid amateur illustrations. Here's your chance to see what kinda crap went through my mind as a teenager, and some of the reasons why I'll never be happy or successful!

Drawing #1: Untitled

Bleh.

We'll start this whole thing off with a sketch from good old nineteen-ninety. That's like (counting on fingers) twelve... Twelve years ago! To tell you the truth, I don't have a clue what this one's supposed to be, but I'll try to take a guess at it anyway. He's drooling blood from his mouth, so you've gotta assume right away that he's in league with the undead (Or maybe he bit his tongue. Shit, I don't know). He's also got pointy ears. I'd call him a flat-nosed Vulcan zombie, but Vulcans have that little bowl-shaped haircut, as opposed to heavy metal hair. I'll just call him a vampire elf headbanger. 

I can vaguely recall scribbling this one during Senora Obregon's Spanish class as I ignored her jabbering, insipid foreign nonsense, immersed in my own twisted imagination.

Senora Obregon: "This is a pen. Esto es una pluma."

Michael (Mumbling to himself as he draws): "Die, pigs. Yes. More blood. Agony. They'll pay, oh, they'll pay all right..."

Drawing #2: Creature of Death

RAAAWWR!!! GRRRR!!! I AM A MINION OF SATAN! I AM EVIL!

I actually drew this fuzzy widdle guy in art class in the tenth grade or so. This may be part of the reason that the school kept calling my parents (I should've drawn him eating a puppy. That would've gotten more attention!).

He's meant to represent a character called the "Creature of Death" from one of my old wannabe metal songs - just my own little version of "Number of the Beast".  

Yeah, that's really cool, Mike. Creature of Death? That's a good song title. You should do that one. (I've also written a song called "Jumping Off a Cliff", so in comparison, it's not that bad, I guess).

Side note: Has anybody here seen "Little Nicky" with Adam Sandler? There's a big hairy monster in the movie that looks almost exactly like this creature. I looked all over Google looking for a screen capture of the guy, and got nothing. Maybe I'll plug the old screen-capture card back in and do it myself.

Drawing #3: B. Headed

Rock ON!

This one is labeled "B. Headed" down towards the bottom of the drawing. I presume he's called that because he doesn't have a body. Like 90% of my drawings, he's just a disembodied head with fangs, a squashed nose, oversized eyes, matted long hair, and a gangster hat that says "Mike". 

He has a worried, frantic look on his face, as if he just realized that he locked his house keys in the car and he has to use the bathroom because he ate a bran muffin and had too much coffee (You all know what happens when you drink too much coffee. It's like, worse than Ex-Lax - not good for your digestive system at all, folks). So he's sweating, pulling on the door handle, and he's all, "uh oh, I locked my keys in the car I gotta go gotta go gotta go". 

Yeah.

Shut up. I'm tired.

Drawing #4: Tony

Freakin' Tony.

Let me take a quick moment to tell you about the Crabs. The Crabs were a little acoustic punk band that I was in when I was about 16. "Band" is actually too strong a word - It was basically just me and my friend Jude passing his acoustic guitar back and forth while yelling Dead Milkmen-inspired lyrics which we wrote in class, instead of paying attention.

To make a long story short, this is "Tony", the Crabs mascot. I think I originally intended to have him mischievously "hiding" his other claw behind his back for some reason, but he appears to be scratching his behind instead.

Jude: "Yeah, great mascot, dude. Um, why's he scratching his ass?"

Mike: "He's hiding his other hand!"

Jude: "Why? We can obviously see that he's got a claw for his left hand. What could he be hiding behind his back that's worse than a claw?"

Mike: "A bigger claw!! No, wait (slowly thinking)... A GUN!!"

Jude: "If you draw little wings on his hat, he'll look kinda like Thor..."

Drawing #5: Untitled

Okay...

Heehe. Hehheh. AHHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! No title. This picture is ridiculous. I don't think I have much of a story for him. I think this one was influenced by Derek Riggs (The artist that drew "Eddie" from Iron Maiden). If memory serves me correctly, the screw going into the creature's neck is reminiscent of an Iron Maiden t-shirt I had. The shape of the eyes and the frizzed hair was most likely meant to resemble Eddie as well. I was probably humming Maiden lyrics as I drew this.

My favorite part: Look where his neck meets the screw. That is one HUGE drop of blood/spinal fluid. SQUIRT! Bwahaha!

Drawing #6: Old Man

This pic was was entitled "Old Man". He's supposed to be an evil old man, but now that I look at him, I picture a murderous crippled clown - the kind that makes your kids cry so you have to leave the circus or the McDonald's playground. Just imagine red hair instead of gray. Maybe I should try to airbrush that, so you can see what I mean...

HEEEY KIDS! HONK HONK!

AHHHH!!! NOOOOO! DON'T LET THE MEAN CLOWN GET ME!! I'LL BE GOOD!! I'LL BE GOOD!!

Drawing #7: Granny Got a Tattoo

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Here's a picture I drew for the Crabs song "Granny Got a Tattoo". The oversized cartoon eyes, facial structure, and overall lack of detail is similar to my current drawing style. Note the intricate details in Granny's hair - Contrasting curl patterns with a slight yet obvious 19th century modernist influence.*

*Note: I'm talking out my ass. I don't even know what modernist means - because I drew skulls and monsters in art class.

This song was never recorded until the live jam bootleg "Goinks n' Hosers with the Crabs" (Several years after the Crabs broke up). I actually popped it into the cassette deck and listened to it today after 8 years or so. 

Yikes.

I'm quite embarrassed by my performance. My vocals were horribly sharp and my guitar playing was sub-standard. The song isn't one of my best. Here are some lyrics from its chorus:

Granny, granny, granny got a tattoo
Granny, granny belongs in a zoo
Granny, granny drives a Harley
Granny's got dreds, and she looks like Bob Marley. Go!

Shear brilliance. Actually, the song's pretty fun to play, but I haven't played it in years. It goes "Dunt da-dunt (chucka) dunt da dunt-dunt", if you're interested in learning how to play it.

Drawing #8: Trust

Ahh, my pride and joy. The "Trust" drawing from October 1991. I drew this one during my "tattoo artist phase" (which lasted approximately two weeks). See the eyeballs floating around? See the bandana on the smiling skull's head? See the little cracks in the skull? All of this was influenced by Pushead, the artist who designed most of Metallica's t-shirts and the Zorlac skateboards. This guy was the master of grinning evil skulls and floating eyeballs. 

Anyway, this was my attempt at a Pushead-style t-shirt design. I don't think it's too shabby for a 15-16 year old.

I don't draw skulls and demons anymore these days - I'm much too stable and mature for that. I've outgrown any need to express my "angst" in artistic form. I draw pictures of geriatrics and inbred women.

-Michael