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Doodles and Sketches
Here's where I pull some
random stuff out of my closet and write a review about it. This
time, I'll discuss some of my old drawings. Using this logic, I
just might review my clothes hamper or a broken set of bongos for
my next article.
some more old folders, I found some drawings I made in high school
10-12 years ago. I thought to myself, "Durr, put it on the
site. Hur. Hur." Then I thought to myself, "I'm
hungry", and immediately after that came the thought, "Kill
them! Kill them all!"
Let us wander
aimlessly through the hallway of pointless nostalgia, on to the
unimpressive gallery of horrid amateur illustrations. Here's your
chance to see what kinda crap went through my mind as a teenager,
and some of the reasons why I'll never be happy or successful!
start this whole thing off with a sketch from good old
nineteen-ninety. That's like (counting on fingers) twelve...
Twelve years ago! To tell you the truth, I don't have a clue what
this one's supposed to be, but I'll try to take a guess at it
anyway. He's drooling blood from his mouth, so you've gotta assume
right away that he's in league with the undead (Or maybe he bit
his tongue. Shit, I don't know). He's also got pointy ears. I'd
call him a flat-nosed Vulcan zombie, but Vulcans have that little
bowl-shaped haircut, as opposed to heavy metal hair. I'll
just call him a vampire elf headbanger.
can vaguely recall scribbling this one during Senora Obregon's
Spanish class as I ignored her jabbering, insipid foreign
nonsense, immersed in my own twisted imagination.
Senora Obregon: "This is a pen.
Esto es una pluma."
(Mumbling to himself as he draws): "Die, pigs. Yes. More
blood. Agony. They'll pay, oh, they'll pay all right..."
#2: Creature of Death
RAAAWWR!!! GRRRR!!! I AM A MINION OF SATAN! I AM EVIL!
I actually drew this fuzzy widdle
guy in art class in the tenth grade or so. This may be part of the
reason that the school kept calling my parents (I should've drawn
him eating a puppy. That would've gotten more attention!).
He's meant to represent a character
called the "Creature of Death" from one of my old
wannabe metal songs - just my own little version of "Number
of the Beast".
Yeah, that's really cool, Mike.
Creature of Death? That's a good song title. You should do that
one. (I've also written a song called "Jumping Off a
Cliff", so in comparison, it's not that bad, I guess).
Side note: Has anybody here
seen "Little Nicky" with Adam Sandler? There's a big
hairy monster in the movie that looks almost exactly like this
creature. I looked all over Google looking for a screen capture of
the guy, and got nothing. Maybe I'll plug the old screen-capture
card back in and do it myself.
Drawing #3: B.
This one is
labeled "B. Headed" down towards the bottom of the
drawing. I presume he's called that because he doesn't have a
body. Like 90% of my drawings, he's just a disembodied head with
fangs, a squashed nose, oversized eyes, matted long hair, and a
gangster hat that says "Mike".
He has a worried,
frantic look on his face, as if he just realized that he locked
his house keys in the car and he has to use the bathroom because
he ate a bran muffin and had too much coffee (You all know what
happens when you drink too much coffee. It's like, worse than Ex-Lax
- not good for your digestive system at all, folks). So he's
sweating, pulling on the door handle, and he's all, "uh oh, I
locked my keys in the car I gotta go gotta go gotta go".
Shut up. I'm
Let me take a quick moment to
tell you about the Crabs. The Crabs were a little acoustic punk
band that I was in when I was about 16. "Band" is
actually too strong a word - It was basically just me and my
friend Jude passing his acoustic guitar back and forth while
yelling Dead Milkmen-inspired lyrics which we wrote in class,
instead of paying attention.
make a long story short, this is "Tony", the Crabs
mascot. I think I originally intended to have him mischievously
"hiding" his other claw behind his back for some reason,
but he appears to be scratching his behind instead.
"Yeah, great mascot, dude. Um, why's he scratching his
"He's hiding his other hand!"
"Why? We can obviously see that he's got a claw for his left
hand. What could he be hiding behind his back that's worse than a
"A bigger claw!! No, wait (slowly thinking)...
"If you draw little wings on his hat, he'll look kinda like
Hehheh. AHHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! No title. This picture is ridiculous. I
don't think I have much of a story for him. I think this one was
influenced by Derek Riggs (The artist that drew "Eddie"
from Iron Maiden). If memory serves me correctly, the screw going
into the creature's neck is reminiscent of an Iron Maiden t-shirt
I had. The shape of the eyes and the frizzed hair was most likely
meant to resemble Eddie as well. I was probably humming Maiden
lyrics as I drew this.
favorite part: Look where his neck meets the screw. That is one
HUGE drop of blood/spinal fluid. SQUIRT! Bwahaha!
#6: Old Man
pic was was entitled "Old Man". He's supposed to be an
evil old man, but now that I look at him, I picture a murderous
crippled clown - the kind that makes your kids cry so you have to
leave the circus or the McDonald's playground. Just imagine red
hair instead of gray. Maybe I should try to airbrush that, so
you can see what I mean...
HEEEY KIDS! HONK HONK!
DON'T LET THE MEAN CLOWN GET ME!! I'LL BE GOOD!! I'LL BE GOOD!!
#7: Granny Got a Tattoo
Oi! Oi! Oi!
a picture I drew for the Crabs song "Granny Got a
Tattoo". The oversized cartoon eyes, facial structure,
and overall lack of detail is similar to my current drawing style.
Note the intricate details in Granny's hair - Contrasting curl
patterns with a slight yet obvious 19th century modernist
I'm talking out my ass. I don't even know what modernist
means - because I drew skulls and monsters in art class.
song was never recorded until the live jam bootleg "Goinks n'
Hosers with the Crabs" (Several years after the Crabs broke
up). I actually popped it into the cassette deck and listened to
it today after 8 years or so.
quite embarrassed by my performance. My vocals were horribly sharp
and my guitar playing was sub-standard. The song isn't one of my
best. Here are some lyrics from
granny, granny got a tattoo
Granny, granny belongs in a zoo
Granny, granny drives a Harley
Granny's got dreds, and she looks like Bob Marley. Go!
brilliance. Actually, the song's pretty fun to play, but I haven't
played it in years. It goes "Dunt da-dunt (chucka) dunt da
dunt-dunt", if you're interested in learning how to play it.
Ahh, my pride and
joy. The "Trust" drawing from October 1991. I drew this
one during my "tattoo artist phase" (which lasted
approximately two weeks). See the eyeballs floating around? See
the bandana on the smiling skull's head? See the little cracks in
the skull? All of this was influenced by Pushead, the artist who
designed most of Metallica's t-shirts and the Zorlac skateboards.
This guy was the master of grinning evil skulls and floating
Anyway, this was
my attempt at a Pushead-style t-shirt design. I don't think it's
too shabby for a 15-16 year old.
I don't draw skulls and demons
anymore these days - I'm much too stable and mature for that. I've
outgrown any need to express my "angst" in artistic
form. I draw pictures of geriatrics and inbred women.