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Construction Workers Messed Up My Yard
(Editor's note - Let me explain. I originally just
wanted to complain about a hole in my yard. That's all I intended. It ended up turning into
a one-man Photoshop contest written under the influence of NyQuil.
Renting sucks sometimes. I've
had water pipes explode in my hall closet, soaking my valuables
and rendering me homeless for nearly a week. My air conditioning fails at
least once a year. None of the doors in my apartment close
properly. Shoddy workmanship is part of the deal when you rent.
I come home from work one day to see
this in my front yard:
There used to be grass there, folks. It seems some construction workers
were repairing/destroying a gas line next-door, and decided to "do donuts" in my
front yard. In my mind's eye, I picture a bearded worker in a hardhat
trying to pull wheelies with a steam-shovel. I imagine his
colleauges shouting something along the lines of "Do an Ollie,
dude!", except that a steam-shovel is not a skateboard, and
they'd probably have another word for making it jump.
"Shovel-Hop", or something like that. Anyway, I have yet
to find out if the grass was actually torn up, or if it's just a
compressed pile of dirt (with grass underneath). My educated guess
is: it's a little of both. Why can't we have both?
The dirt pile is bigger than it looks, by the way. It's
about 5 feet wide. I haven't spoken to the landlord
about it yet, but I assume he'll just shrug his shoulders and tell
me to "rake it out". This is an embarrassing eyesore, much
like myself. What if a bunch of hot
college girls get a flat tire and need to use a phone, like in that movie I
won't come bouncing and giggling to my door, that's for sure. Because of this
unsightly pile of dirt, I could be missing out on a threesome; possibly a foursome
- so you can see why I'm concerned.
At first, I simply tried covering the
area with a
toupee, but I needed one that would cover a 5-foot bald spot. The
one that I bought online could only cover an area of less than one
square foot - So I'd need (counting on my fingers) about 437 toupees
to cover the dirt completely. All I
have to say is that those suckers can be expensive. The wind also kept
blowing them away (Maybe I should nail them down?), and I had to wring
them out when it rained. They get soggy.
It is hard to cover dirt with toupees.
(Editor's note - Here's the part where I get lazy.)
After attempting many different hilarious and ineffective solutions
that I won't bother writing about, I decided to just wait and see if the
grass would grow back. I am the embodiment of patience. I tried to accept the pile
of dirt for what it was. I tried to relax. "In through nose,
out through mouth", a wise man once said.
Then I got an idea - Hey, kids love dirt! It could make a small child very happy! So
I drove around in a van until I found a stray child (They grow off trees
here). I threw him in my yard along with a few beach toys and put him to
work making sand castles with the rocks. He did not seem to enjoy
this at all. As a matter of fact, he
spent most of his time screaming "Help! Help! Mommy! Police!" at the top
of his lungs. Silly kids!
"But I want my mommy!"
"Dig, damn you, dig!"
Funny thing - the boy actually did attract
those college girls I mentioned,
but as they came near (wiggling seductively as they walked), he threw
several handfuls of feces at them, once again ruining
my chances. Plus, he was digging additional holes in my yard, and I
realized, "Hey. Wait a minute. I don't even like kids." I had to cut my losses.
"He threw poo with his heart."
I took care of the problem. Actually,
I didn't have to do anything violent. I just "forgot" to
feed and water him. Simple mistake. The
gravestone cost a lot, but the whole "graveyard in the front
yard" deal works great for Halloween. It's October, you
I should've checked with my landlord
before I started burying people in the yard. *SHRUG* It turns out
that these fine apartments were actually built on an "Ancient
Indian Burial Ground and Nuclear Waste Facility", whatever that's supposed to mean.
Anyway, my yard is now crawling with zombies. It started out as just one, but they began popping up everywhere.
(Zombies multiply if they get wet or eat after midnight).
(Editor's note - I originally wrote
that the zombies were "popping up like pimples on a teenager's
face", but I decided that sounded a little too cliche. Then I
tried out "popping up like cold-sores on a prostitute's
lips", but that was a little harsh. Send writing suggestions to
Now, what's the best way to get rid
of zombies? (Class raises hands)
Some of you may be suggesting, "Get a
dinosaur to eat the zombies!" This hardly
ever works, mostly because dinosaurs are extinct. Oh, there was
actually a guy on Rense.com a few years ago that said he may have
found dinosaurs in Africa, but those were sauropods. Herbivores.
Plant eaters. The point is they ate plants,
not the rancid, decayed, uncooked flesh of the undead. We'll just have to settle
for the tried-and-true zombie-destruction method - The rocket
When hunting zombies, rocket launchers
are much more effective than dinosaurs.
Now you'll be asking me, "Why
don't you use the BFG? It's much more powerful."
"Because I don't want to destroy everything
in my field of vision, stupid! I just want to kill the friggin zombies!"
Then you'll be like, "Oh.
And I'll be like, "Just keep your mouth shut next time."
And you'll say, "But the BFG only destroys the
bad guys, it doesn't damage the walls or anything..."
"What did I just say?! You want
some of this!?"
After easily destroying the zombie hordes with my
rocket launcher and kung fu skills, I discovered that I made quite a
mess. Guts (or "gibs", as they are called) littered my
lawn like so many religious pamplets. (Editor's
note - I think that was a metaphor.) Zombie blood is a bright messy
red, but it is sometimes green if you're playing the Game Boy
Advance version. It took several days to clean my yard using only a
sponge and a bucket of soap water (I don't have a garden hose).
I still don't know what I'm going to do with the
hole in my yard. Maybe the grass will grow over it? Perhaps the rain
will magically wash it away? As of right now, there is no
resolution in sight.
PHOTOSHOP CONTEST TIME!!
Maybe you can help. Here are the source pictures I
used in this article (Right-click to download).
The topic: "Things to do with a hole
in the yard"
Deadline: Take as long as you want.
Instructions: Using an image editor such as Photoshop or even
Microsoft Paint, take these images and do what I just did. Photoshop
uses for a hole in the yard and email them to
me. Simple as that.
I'll post them on this page, along with your name and a caption of
This is just a test. I don't expect a lot of
responses to this request. In fact, I don't expect any. This
site doesn't get that much traffic, but
depending on how well this goes, I may offer rewards for stuff like
this in the future. You never know. Right now, you'll just have the
satisfaction of being able to tell people, "I helped this idiot
out with his website." And sometimes, that's all the
PHOTOSHOP CONTEST VIEWER
Holy crap! Somebody sent me a
picture! Keep 'em coming, people!
Mat P. sent this one. Simple,
(Click to enlarge)
-More viewer submissions are on the way