(Editor's note - Let me explain. I originally just wanted to complain about a hole in my yard. That's all I intended. It ended up turning into a one-man Photoshop contest written under the influence of NyQuil. Sorry.)

Renting sucks sometimes. I've had water pipes explode in my hall closet, soaking my valuables and rendering me homeless for nearly a week. My air conditioning fails at least once a year. None of the doors in my apartment close properly. Shoddy workmanship is part of the deal when you rent. 

I come home from work one day to see this in my front yard:

There used to be grass there, folks. It seems some construction workers were repairing/destroying a gas line next-door, and decided to "do donuts" in my front yard. In my mind's eye, I picture a bearded worker in a hardhat trying to pull wheelies with a steam-shovel. I imagine his colleauges shouting something along the lines of "Do an Ollie, dude!", except that a steam-shovel is not a skateboard, and they'd probably have another word for making it jump. "Shovel-Hop", or something like that. Anyway, I have yet to find out if the grass was actually torn up, or if it's just a compressed pile of dirt (with grass underneath). My educated guess is: it's a little of both. Why can't we have both?

The dirt pile is bigger than it looks, by the way. It's about 5 feet wide. I haven't spoken to the landlord about it yet, but I assume he'll just shrug his shoulders and tell me to "rake it out". This is an embarrassing eyesore, much like myself. What if a bunch of hot college girls get a flat tire and need to use a phone, like in that movie I rented? They won't come bouncing and giggling to my door, that's for sure. Because of this unsightly pile of dirt, I could be missing out on a threesome; possibly a foursome - so you can see why I'm concerned.

At first, I simply tried covering the area with a toupee, but I needed one that would cover a 5-foot bald spot. The one that I bought online could only cover an area of less than one square foot - So I'd need (counting on my fingers) about 437 toupees to cover the dirt completely. All I have to say is that those suckers can be expensive. The wind also kept blowing them away (Maybe I should nail them down?), and I had to wring them out when it rained. They get soggy.

It is hard to cover dirt with toupees.

(Editor's note - Here's the part where I get lazy.) 

After attempting many different hilarious and ineffective solutions that I won't bother writing about, I decided to just wait and see if the grass would grow back. I am the embodiment of patience. I tried to accept the pile of dirt for what it was. I tried to relax. "In through nose, out through mouth", a wise man once said.

Then I got an idea - Hey, kids love dirt! It could make a small child very happy! So I drove around in a van until I found a stray child (They grow off trees here). I threw him in my yard along with a few beach toys and put him to work making sand castles with the rocks. He did not seem to enjoy this at all. As a matter of fact, he spent most of his time screaming "Help! Help! Mommy! Police!" at the top of his lungs. Silly kids!

"But I want my mommy!"
"Dig, damn you, dig!"

Funny thing - the boy actually did attract those college girls I mentioned, but as they came near (wiggling seductively as they walked), he threw several handfuls of feces at them, once again ruining my chances. Plus, he was digging additional holes in my yard, and I realized, "Hey. Wait a minute. I don't even like kids." I had to cut my losses.

"He threw poo with his heart."

I took care of the problem. Actually, I didn't have to do anything violent. I just "forgot" to feed and water him. Simple mistake. The gravestone cost a lot, but the whole "graveyard in the front yard" deal works great for Halloween. It's October, you know. 

I should've checked with my landlord before I started burying people in the yard. *SHRUG* It turns out that these fine apartments were actually built on an "Ancient Indian Burial Ground and Nuclear Waste Facility", whatever that's supposed to mean. Anyway, my yard is now crawling with zombies. It started out as just one, but they began popping up everywhere. (Zombies multiply if they get wet or eat after midnight).

(Editor's note - I originally wrote that the zombies were "popping up like pimples on a teenager's face", but I decided that sounded a little too cliche. Then I tried out "popping up like cold-sores on a prostitute's lips", but that was a little harsh. Send writing suggestions to michael@railentertainment.com.)

Braaaiiiinssss!!

Now, what's the best way to get rid of zombies? (Class raises hands)

Some of you may be suggesting, "Get a dinosaur to eat the zombies!" This hardly ever works, mostly because dinosaurs are extinct. Oh, there was actually a guy on Rense.com a few years ago that said he may have found dinosaurs in Africa, but those were sauropods. Herbivores. Plant eaters. The point is they ate plants, not the rancid, decayed, uncooked flesh of the undead. We'll just have to settle for the tried-and-true zombie-destruction method - The rocket launcher.

When hunting zombies, rocket launchers
are much more effective than dinosaurs.

Now you'll be asking me, "Why don't you use the BFG? It's much more powerful." 

"Because I don't want to destroy everything in my field of vision, stupid! I just want to kill the friggin zombies!"

Then you'll be like, "Oh. Sorry."

And I'll be like, "Just keep your mouth shut next time."

And you'll say, "But the BFG only destroys the bad guys, it doesn't damage the walls or anything..."

"What did I just say?! You want some of this!?"

After easily destroying the zombie hordes with my rocket launcher and kung fu skills, I discovered that I made quite a mess. Guts (or "gibs", as they are called) littered my lawn like so many religious pamplets. (Editor's note - I think that was a metaphor.) Zombie blood is a bright messy red, but it is sometimes green if you're playing the Game Boy Advance version. It took several days to clean my yard using only a sponge and a bucket of soap water (I don't have a garden hose). 

I still don't know what I'm going to do with the hole in my yard. Maybe the grass will grow over it? Perhaps the rain will magically wash it away? As of right now, there is no resolution in sight. 

PHOTOSHOP CONTEST TIME!!

Maybe you can help. Here are the source pictures I used in this article (Right-click to download).

Picture 1
Picture 2
Picture 3

The topic: "Things to do with a hole in the yard"

Deadline: Take as long as you want.

Instructions: Using an image editor such as Photoshop or even Microsoft Paint, take these images and do what I just did. Photoshop uses for a hole in the yard and email them to me. Simple as that. I'll post them on this page, along with your name and a caption of your choice.

This is just a test. I don't expect a lot of responses to this request. In fact, I don't expect any. This site doesn't get that much traffic, but depending on how well this goes, I may offer rewards for stuff like this in the future. You never know. Right now, you'll just have the satisfaction of being able to tell people, "I helped this idiot out with his website." And sometimes, that's all the satisfaction you need.

-Michael

PHOTOSHOP CONTEST VIEWER SUBMISSIONS!

Holy crap! Somebody sent me a picture! Keep 'em coming, people!

Mat P. sent this one. Simple, yet effective.

(Click to enlarge)

-More viewer submissions are on the way (Someday)!